OMG. OMG. As of this post I’m down to the last eight scenes in my second draft(!) This is wonderful. This is terrifying.
(last one) I DON’T FINISH THINGS BECAUSE THAT MEANS I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD WITH A PROCESS THAT SCARES ME BECAUSE IT MAY MEAN I HAVE WASTED MY TIME OR I MAY DISCOVER I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND THAT ALL SCARES ME.
— John Adamus (@awesome_john) January 15, 2018
I’ve spent 3 days trying to congeal my anxiety into a post while John Adamus nails my mood in 140 characters.
Nonetheless, my own blatherings: Second draft = putting the whole thing in front of beta readers time. Structural errors that I could excuse as “covered in another chapter” when readers only read excerpts will now be writ large. Shallow emotions, poor cause and effect, loose ends, red herrings: all will be glaringly obvious in context.
I know – it’s why one has beta readers. I’m just nervous that these errors won’t only reveal what I need to fix but what I can’t. Maybe because it’s beyond my ability. Maybe because who am I to write about people like I understand how they work, how dare I?
Ahem.
In short, I’m afraid of what the story will say about me as a person, rather than about my ability to write.
A wise friend once told me about my fencing that no single competition defines one’s worth as a fencer or as a person–a crucial distinction for me as I too often conflate what I do with who I am. It’s no different with writing. If my book sucks it doesn’t mean I’m an awful person.
But if it sucks too badly to salvage it does mean I’ve spent four years on a cold, dead turkey. Which is a lovely “learning experience” but it sure as hell won’t feel like it.
But at the end of my chat with Mr. Adamus he posed the question:
When you get stuck, think about your goal.
How are you gonna get there?
— John Adamus (@awesome_john) January 15, 2018
The goal is making this book as good as I can before seeking a professional editor. But to do that I need other eyes to notice the things I can’t anymore.
I’m going to get there by [cringe] putting it out there and letting beta readers rip it to shreds. Even if it hurts. Even if they tell me things I don’t want to hear.
What about you? In your endeavors, do you ever freeze to a point that you just can’t finish what you started? How did you move past it?
